“I just need to feel like me again.”

There was a sadness I couldn’t shake. I didn’t know its shape or reason, only that I needed a change. I asked my husband to take a few days off to watch the kids while I went out and took pictures. Just me and the camera, like old times.

Stepping outside with a camera bag and tripod felt strange, no snacks, no extra clothes, no stroller. Guilt washed over me as I closed the door, but the voice in my head repeated, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

For the past seven years my life has been the loop of a military spouse on back to back sea tours. I’m a mama to two girls, now three and seven, and a husky. My days are full of laughter, silly noises, and games, and also crying, yelling, and the constant call of MOM! Maybe if they called me by my name, they’d say it less.

I left an hour before sunset and drove to Balboa Park. The first hour I wandered with no plan, simply soaking in the place, its movements, sounds, textures, and smells. I made mental notes of viewpoints to return to at the right light, but mostly I reveled in the joy of doing nothing.

What made the night for me was the reminder to breathe. When I photograph a place, everything slows. The scene in front of me transforms into how I want to capture it, an effort to bottle the exact feeling I had there: the comfort and warmth of night lights against Balboa Park’s beautiful architecture.

It became a night to remember. For most of the time, I sat just observing. I stayed at the newly reconstructed Botanical Garden, mesmerized by the changing colors before me. The water fountains invited singles, friends, lovers, and families all the same. I especially loved the grandparents following the little ones, making sure they don’t jump in the water. Something my kids would definitely want to do. It was a place to witness love all around me, where people enjoyed being present with their people. For sure, there were those who were more on their phone, but I like to remember those sweeter moments where friends laugh with one another, lovers lean towards each other, and little ones being chased by their caretakers.

Even though I sat there alone, legs throbbing from all the walking I did, I felt so fulfilled. It felt like a welcoming back home to myself. This practice of self-care, to do something just for me, made me feel stronger and grateful for all the experiences I’ve been through. It fed my inner light that has dwindled from the pressures I have put on myself to make sure everybody else was taken care of. It was a sweet reminder that I matter too.

This experience is something I wish for you, to find what charges your soul, and brighten that light from within.  Times now can feel so dark and hopeless, that we have to remind ourselves what makes this life so beautiful.